Dear Alison Becker-Hurt,
Let me start by saying that I have eaten at one of your restaurants, and it was one of the best meals I have ever had. For realsies.
But, evidently, it wasn't good enough for you to reign supreme in our silent ongoing battle. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure you Google your name just as often as I do. And, as it turns out, you and I have the same name. So, I'm sure you've realized that over the past few years, I have begun to dominate our Google results.
At first, "Alison Becker" yielded page after page of praise over your food, your cookbooks, and your celebrity patrons. But, I shall cry the lonely tears of defeat no more! Little by little, my underground comedy credits and cable television accomplishments have overtaken your foie gras and duck a l'orange.
Today, I have achieved what I consider ultimate victory. Of the first 10 results, 9 of them are mine. It is a sad day for you, I can imagine. But, Ms. Becker, there is only room for one z-list celebrity named Alison Becker, and I'm afraid it is I.
Well played, Ms. Becker!
p.s.- But, seriously, if you want to join forces and get rid of that OTHER "Alison Becker" whose college soccer stats keep popping up on, like, page 5, let me know.