Saturday, March 31, 2007

Finally

Finally! Men and women can park side by side in peace and harmony. It's about time!

Friday, March 30, 2007

Rejected Slogans for Metamucil

1) Does your lower intestine look attractive?
2) Is your colon pretty?
3) Can't poop?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

There Is No Way That Anyone Will Ever Get a Better Email from an Ex-Boyfriend Than the One I Just Received.

"had to do an embarrassing interview with playboy today. one question was whether anyone had nicknamed my penis. i had to tell them about the gustavo thing. hope that's cool."

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Torn

I love Bon Jovi. I'm past the point of feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and even overly proud. I am at the point where I just accept it as part of who I am. I think they are one of the greatest bands of all time. So, there's that.

On the other hand, I love grammar. Seriously. I was an English major, and I love the satisfaction of finding incorrectly placed apostrophes on restaurant menus or misused pronouns in medical literature at the dentist's office.

So, when I hear Jon Bon Jovi sing the words, "I wish I was him; Wish those words were mine," I can't help but sing along, "I wish I were he; Wish those words were mine."

(The subjunctive tense is needed to express a hypothetical, and "he" is needed because a subject pronoun should follow the verb to be.)

It hurts me to change JBJ's lyrics, but I can't help myself. To hear it the other way makes me cringe. I'm sorry, Jon. Please forgive me.

And when I find the boy who cares about the subjunctive tense as much as I do, I will marry him.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

My New Favorite DD

My friend Brian is now my favorite drunk dialer. This was our convo on the phone the other night:

Alison: Where are you?
Brian: I'm so drunk.
Alison: Brian, where are you?
Brian: I'm so drunk.
Alison: OK. But where are you?
Brian: I'm so drunk.
Alison: You already told me that 3 times.
Brian: And, I'm gonna tell you again....I'm so drunk.
Alison: Are you ok?

Brian: I'm so drunk, I feel like it's my birthday......Twice.


(That's pretty much the best thing I've ever heard.)

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Show Me the Green

I've been drunk for the past 9 hours. How could I not be when the Hoyas have made it to the ELITE 8!?! As Green took the winning shot, I found myself standing on a chair in the middle of a bar, screaming my lungs out. (I'm classy like that.) Is there any happier moment than that? It is a good day, my friends. Man, I love March!!!! Go hoyas!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

You're Welcome

I just had a birthday party, and I made goody bags for my friends. They were filled with candy, little plastic toys made in China, leis, tiny hats, baby sunglasses and mix cds. I made 3 different versions of the CD, but I'm pretty proud of my song choices.
Being a VJ for a year has introduced me to a lot of cheesy bands, but I have sorted through the nonsense and picked some awesome songs that I tried to hate, but I just can't.
I know what it's like, guys. There is a lot of crap out there musically, but then you hear a song by a cheesetastic artist and you're afraid to admit that you like it. It's ok. We don't hate you. Here's a list of some songs that are okay to love. And, trust me, you will.
I also threw in a couple of classics, and I think I 've created the best mix ever. Here it is. Enjoy:

1. Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At The
Disco
2. You're So Last Summer by Taking Back Sunday
3. Heartbeats by The Knife
4. Clothes Off! by Gym Class Heroes
5. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
6. The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars
7. gin n juice bluegrass (bluegrass version) by The Gourds
8. This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race by Fall Out Boy
9. Smile by Lily Allen
10. Ms. Fat Booty by Mos Def
11. Love, Love, Love (Love, Love) by As Tall As Lions
12. Kiss Me Deadly by Lita Ford
13. Jane Fonda by Mickey Avalon
14. Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John
15. Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi


you're fucking welcome.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Haiku From A Fictitious Girl to her Emo Rocker Boyfriend

Don't take eyeliner
That isn't yours. It's mine, dude.
You're thinner than me.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Please God


Sometimes I have irrational fears that I will go senile when I'm old.

Like the fear that I will become so crazily obsessed with buying shoes that I will spend all of my money and go bankrupt. Or that I will go so crazy that one day I'll find myself sad and alone surrounded by cats.

But, I manage to calm myself when I realize that I'm pretty good with finances and I'm not really a cat person anyway.

But, then, I see things like this and they scare the shit out of me. I mean, who's to say I won't become a crazy person who collects small castle figurines to decorate the back of her car?

I didn't even THINK about that option until now.

Fuck.

I Went on Spring Break!

Seriously. I did.

Then I made fun of some college kids here:
http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127551

Check it.

I Have Not Washed In 4 Days

This is the best gift you could ask for on your birthday:

You're in a hotel in a foreign country, and you spot the HOTTEST man you have ever seen. (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0241049/). Since you met him once, you decide to say hello to him. You do. He remembers you. Then, he gives you a kiss on the cheek that somehow awkwardly lands on that sexy part of your neck.

You almost swoon.

Then you and your best friend giggle about it for days.